Wednesday, June 25, 2014
5th - Something for an Ex
I kind of have a problem with this. See, I don't have an ex. I mean, sure, I was engaged to Angie when we were 4-years-old. And I think I was able to call Sarah Ryder my "girlfriend" for about 2 minutes back in 5th grade. But, speaking as a grown-up, I've never actually been in a relationship. On the plus side, I've never had to deal with a break up before. Keep in mind that doesn't mean I haven't had to deal with a broken heart. That's right, I have one.
It would be nice if I never have to have an ex-girlfriend. I'm sure that's a fantasy. Hey, can't a guy want the fairy tale, too? But I'll play along. Let's say, hypothetically, that I've been through the beginning, middle, and end of a relationship. Now I have an ex-girlfriend. Here's what I would want to say to her. Hypothetically.
I understand. I really do. Believe me when I say I'm not angry. Things just didn't work out between the two of us. I don't blame you. I blame myself. I take full responsibility for what went wrong. You see, I finally realize... I'm just too awesome.
But that's something I can't change. It's who I am. I'm just going to have to find a woman who is equally as awesome. When I find her, you won't need to worry. Because we won't judge you for your lack of awesome. Not everyone can be as awesome as me and the future Mrs. Awesome.
I know you have an idea in your head that we will remain friends. But this is real life. This isn't How I Met Your Mother. This isn't Friends. We are not Ted and Robin, nor are we Ross and Rachel. I'm sure you want to remain friends, hoping that my awesomeness will somehow rub off on you. But, Ex-Girlfriend, awesomeness just can't be taught. It's kind of an innate thing. You're either born with it or you aren't. Sorry about that.
Look, we can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interest. Perhaps it's fate that today is the 25th of June, and you will once again be dealing with a break-up that you initiated. Not because of tyranny, oppression, or persecution, but because of awesomeness. I'm writing for my right to live, to exist. And should we win the day, the 25th of June will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day when the world declared in one voice, "We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive!" Today we celebrate our Independence Day!
Okay, so I may have slipped into President Whitmore's speech from Independence Day. But that's just how awesome I am. I randomly quote awesome speeches from awesome movies. Captain Awesome, out!
That's the part where I drop the mic.