Thursday, November 28, 2013

The Thanksgiving TV Chef

Prior to the start of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, one of the correspondents on CBS did a segment with "Chef" Marcel. She said his name like he's someone important, possibly famous. I don't know. I've never heard of him. And I hope I never hear of him again. I used the sarcastic quotes with his title because he really didn't show me that he's any more of a chef than I am.

Together, they were making an apple pie. A nice, American tradition, right? The correspondent lady was put in charge of the apples. This included mixing in the sugar, cinnamon, etc. And what did the "chef" do? He unrolled a premade Pillsbury pie crust. Actually, he rolled out two: one for the bottom, one for the top.

"Chef" Marcel did nothing more than the actress in the Pillsbury commercial that aired only a few minutes after the cooking segment. Actually, the actress did more. She cut slits in the top crust to allow the pie filling to not cause the pie to explode in the oven.

I'm pretty sure this "Chef" Marcel that CBS hired to help with Thanksgiving is a fraud.

And wouldn't it have been a little more appropriate to make a pumpkin pie? Maybe pecan? There's nothing wrong with an apple pie, but I think a real chef could have accepted the challenge of making something a little more complicated than apple. Step it up, Marcel.

*The pie pictured above looks a lot better than the one Marcel made.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Threatening Letters

There's a recent Bayer aspirin commercial that kind of makes me stop and think. It starts off with a woman who gets her mail and opens a neatly written card that says, "Your heart attack arrives in 2 days." She then goes on to take some aspirin and apparently avoids cardiac arrest. One can only assume. You don't get a lot of information out of a 15 second spot.

Now, I realize that the point of the terrifying letter that she receives is that people don't typically get warnings about an impending heart attack. But all I could think about was who would send a threat like that to someone?

My first response to opening that card would be, "What kind of sick joke is this?" Then I'd go into the paranoia. "Someone's making death threats!" I mean, I'm not in the best shape in the world, but I'm pretty sure I'm more than a couple days away from a heart attack. Is someone gonna try and induce a heart attack? Are they going to jump out from behind some bushes to scare me to death? Are they going to inject me with some kind of poison that makes it look like I had a heart attack?

I'm just saying, it seems like the advertising agency that Bayer's using stole the idea for this commercial from I Know What You Did Last Summer.

Below is another Bayer commercial. I couldn't find the one I described above, but this one is basically the same thing. The only difference is the recipient of the letter is a guy named Bob.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

How to Know if I Have a Crush on You

I'm single. Have been all my life. Beyond that, I'm an introverted single person. That makes it extremely difficult for me to approach a woman to whom I'm attracted in order to generate a conversation out of thin air. Therefore, all I ever really experience are crushes. You know, like a kid will have on their 6th grade English teacher. No, I did not have a crush on my 6th grade English teacher. I mean, Mrs. Moss was nice and all, but she never really did it for me.

That being said, there have been a number of women that I've developed crushes on over the years. We're all aware of my undying love for Alison Brie, but there have been others. Women I've actually known and had conversations with. And there's a very good chance that most of those ladies never knew. A few only knew of my feelings because I eventually grew a backbone and told them how I felt.

Sidebar: In each of those instances of revelation, I was shot down with some variation of the phrases "You're like a brother to me!" or "I don't want to ruin our friendship!" Believe it or not, hearing a girl you like say those words makes it a lot easier to repress one's feelings and never confess them to anyone else ever again. But just because I tend to repress doesn't mean those feelings aren't present. I'm not a robot, despite the emotionless evidence to the contrary.

So now, if you're a woman that I personally know, you may be wondering, Am I one of those girls he's talking about? Lucky for you there are a few very helpful signals that you can look for. Just ask yourself the following questions:

Does he seem nervous whenever I'm around? I'm not typically an anxious kind of person. I tend not to worry about things. But if I have a thing for you, there's a good chance I'll develop some kind of nervous tic while in your presence. My knee may bounce. I might start tapping my pen incessantly. I might even chew on my lower lip for a while. That last one really bugs me. Especially in winter. 'Cause then the lower lip gets chapped and it becomes painful. And I never buy Chap-Stick.

Does he get tongue tied? If I'm crushing on you, I could forget the proper rules of the English language. I may find myself tripping over my words or saying incoherent and nonsensical phrases like a stroke victim. Related to this, I could start speaking very quickly and/or loudly. The Girl in the White SUV would know all about that one.

Does he become uncharacteristically kind? I don't consider myself a very nice person. I have my moments, sure. But I'm generally very sarcastic. And if I'm sarcastic with you, it means I consider you a good friend who won't be offended (probably) by my very dry sense of humor. But if a crush is occurring, I'll probably refrain from the sarcasm. That's right, I can turn it off when I want to. Reason being, I want you to like me, so I don't want to offend you by saying something that might be interpreted as mean. It happened once that a girl I liked in college took something the wrong way. It about broke my heart to think she believed I was blatantly being hurtful towards her.

Does he get really quiet around me? There will be a lot of times that I'll choose to stop talking rather than risk tripping over the words. "But, Aaron," you may ask, "aren't you quiet all the time anyway?" A lot of the time, yes. I'm an observer; a listener. The differences in quiet because of a crush and quiet because of my personality are probably very subtle. Good luck with that one.

There you have it. You may choose to use this information however you wish. If you suspect that I like you in a more-than-friends kind of way, you have options. You could confront me to see if your suspicions are correct. I won't lie about it if asked. Just don't be offended if the answer is no, I can't have a crush on everyone.

Another option is that you could avoid me. It wouldn't be the first time it's happened. Though I don't understand that option. I'm kind of awesome.

Finally, you could do nothing. Just maintain the status quo, because I can very nearly guarantee that I won't say anything to rock the Love Boat. Try not to worry about it. It's just a little crush. Not like I faint every time we touch.