Can I be honest? I believe in honesty. And if I can't be honest on a weblog being viewed by people all over the interweb, where can I be honest? So that's what this blog post is about. Honesty.
Actually, it won't be about the virtues of honesty, or why it's important that we're honest with people. It's really about my honest feelings and thoughts. This is about my personal honesty. So get ready, this could be a tough one to swallow.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm pretty miserable. I spend a great deal of my time feeling depressed. It's not something I'm proud of or happy about. Obviously, if I were happy about it, I wouldn't be depressed, now would I?
The thing is, I'm not really sure how to put my finger on exactly what got me to this point. I realize that I am where I am based on choices that I've made over the years. That's not to say that I think I've made poor choices. I think that, for the most part, I've done the best I could with what was set in front of me. Yet, here I am, working in a job that I despise, and stressing out over an inability to consistently make ends meet from month to month.
I'm sure these things play an enormous part in this depression. Another realistic factor could be my inability to properly grieve the loss of my father. He passed away nearly four years ago, yet, looking back, I'm not sure that I ever really dealt with or got over that loss. And I'm not sure how to change that. There's no handbook for people telling them the right way to grieve.
I admit, I should probably seek professional counseling. Okay, I should eliminate the probably from that last sentence. I took enough psychology in college to know that my head is in a bad place. I have no problem spilling my guts to my friends, but by now, I'm sure they're tired of hearing my woes. I used to be a pretty fun guy to be around. But now, all I can think about is how cynical I've become.
I'm not saying I was the life of every party. But when I want to, I can have a pretty good sense of humor. All I'm doing these days is letting my circumstances drag me down. It really sucks to feel this way. Just so you know.
And to my regular readers, sorry for the downer of a post today. It's just some stuff I had to get off my chest. Not sure that I feel any better though.