Saturday, February 13, 2010

How to Avoid Annoying Single People on Valentine's Day

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. It's that one day out of the year that couples seem to make it known to the world that they're in a relationship. It's the one day that single people are reminded in bold italics that they are SINGLE. But, to those of you who are part of a couple, you don't need to pity those who will spend Valentine's Day alone. All we ask is that you not annoy us with your coupleness.

I know, you don't even realize you're doing it, especially if you're in that lovey-dovey stage of the relationship. But in case you were wondering, I've compiled a list of things that you can do to avoid invoking the single community's gag reflex.

1. Keep the PDA to a minimum
For those of you who are unaware, PDA refers to Public Displays of Affection, not the hand held electronic device that keeps important people up to speed on their day-to-day operations. These Public Displays of Affection include but are not limited to kissing, prolonged hugging, prolonged side hugs, playful shoving, and to a lesser extent, hand holding. Also, if you're in the 3rd grade, please refrain from too much hitting.

2. Be aware of your eye contact
I know that you like to look into each others' eyes. Yeah, they're beautiful, aren't they? But please know that there are other people standing around. And they're watching you as you watch each other. And while they may not say anything out loud about your incessant staring, they're secretly mocking you in their minds. Trust me, it's true.

3. Refrain from too many pet names
I think that pet names can be sweet. It's nice for someone to occasionally call you "honey" or "sweetheart" or "sport". It's nice to have that sense of familiarity every now and then. But all good things must come in moderation. We don't need to hear your made up names that are really all words that have no true meaning in English or any other language. Schmoopy? I mean really, where did that even come from?

4. Don't one up yourself or anyone else
It's not possible to keep it up year after year. Eventually you're going to run out of great ideas. Once you've hired the Good Year Blimp to proclaim your love while you're ice skating at the Rockefeller Center with rose petals lining the rink, you've pretty much hit the top. Just try to keep it low key, 'cause the people at the basketball game don't really care about seeing you and your significant other on the Jumbotron. They want to see the replay of that awesome slam dunk.

5. Stop involving us in your romantic schemes
If you can't pull it off by yourself, then it's too elaborate. I really don't want to help you hide your little notes or your clues to the next clues that will eventually lead to a huge teddy bear holding a Russell Stover sampler. Also, I don't want to give you any ideas. If my ideas were really all that great, wouldn't I be using them to land my own special someone on Valentine's Day?

6. Quit pretending like Valentine's Day is so special
If you love the person that you're with, let them know it every day. Don't hold out until February 14th. I'm sure there's a deep meaning behind what makes St. Valentine's Day such a special day for loved ones. But in today's society, it's become the day when greeting card companies and lingerie designers sit back and collect their huge bonus checks. And that's because so many people just forget to show their love throughout the other 364 days in the year.

7. Go easy on the flowers
I know a lot of the time, you go online and pick out a bouquet that looks pretty. But looks can be deceiving. Not all flowers that are pleasant to look at are all that pleasant to smell. Flowers are dying anyway, so eventually, even the good ones will start smelling bad. Also, a side note, the makers of allergy medications make billions of dollars a year for a reason. I'm just sayin'. 

I'm sure there are other annoyances that I haven't thought of. These are just the ones that immediately come to mind. And before you label me a mean, bitter old man, just remember that I'm providing this as a public service to you and yours. Because there are a lot of single people like me who see the 14th day of February approaching with hardened hearts. We only grow more cynical and our sarcasm knows no bounds. So if you can avoid annoying us, then we can avoid sending you judgmental glares and hurtful remarks.


  1. Bet you hate being around me & Jonboy!

  2. This post is one of my favs....