Friday, January 01, 2010

Question of the Week: The Fun in Funeral

How do you picture your funeral? Is it important for you to have people mourn your death?

Think, Michael Jackson's televised memorial service, times infinity. Yeah, that's how my funeral should go. I know this doesn't exactly carry the weight of a last will and testament, but these are my wishes. I would like a choir of whistlers to whistle a jaunty tune. It must be in harmony. I prefer "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey. I will be cremated, therefore I will have no need for pallbearers. However, during the service, I would like a line to form for people to come up and rub the urn containing my remains for good luck. I would like my friend Nicole to choose who is worthy to rub the urn. There will be those she deems unworthy. Those people must return to their seats and get over themselves. I have chosen several people to eulogize me, one from each chapter of my life. From my childhood, my best friend Justin. From the high school years, my friend Jessica. From the college years, I refuse to choose a person. I have too many friends that I still keep in touch with from those days. Therefore, as a part of the service, there will be a Thunderdome style battle royale. Any of my friends from Bluefield College are welcome to throw their hat into the ring. The winner of this fight will deliver the third eulogy of the day. The final eulogy will be delivered by Nicole, if she isn't too worn out from selecting people to rub the urn. Of course, there is the possibility of more eulogies, depending on where life leads me between my time in North Carolina and my death. I must assume that I have many years ahead of me. So perhaps I should go ahead and say that my next eulogy would be delivered by the person I select as my running mate when I run for president. I'm sure that, whoever he or she may be will be a fantastic public speaker. As far as a location for the service, I think the most appropriate venue would have to be the Cowboys' new stadium. I know that's nowhere near where I currently live, but there's nowhere that's that large around here. There must also be a laser show. And fireworks. And an anti-gravity machine.

*Question of the Week comes from The Book of Questions by Gregory Stock, Ph.D.


  1. I like the new look. Very posh. If posh is what you were going for. This sounds like quite the event. I might suggest, in lieu of pall bearers, also having bouncers to enforce Nicole's rulings about the urn.
    One more suggestion (and these are free), black lights and glow sticks!
    And if I'm still around, I'll totally be in charge of getting the anti-gravity machine.

  2. I definitely like the black lights and glow sticks. Go with it. Also, glow in the dark body paint. But I think that should be for after the urn rubbing portion of the service.