Monday, January 11, 2010

Greatest Hits: Saved By the Bell - Where Are They Now?

Originally posted on 8/4/2008:

I watch Saved By the Bell pretty much every day as I get ready for work. There have been times, as a fan of the show, that I've sort of wished they would get those crazy kids back together for some kind of high school reunion. This got me thinking about where the characters would be today. I know the actors have had various levels of success (or not) since they graduated from Bayside High, but what have their fictional alter-egos done with the last fifteen years? (Please note: this is a work of fiction and has no bearing whatsoever on the Saved By the Bell canon or universe.)

Zack Morris: Zack enjoyed a somewhat brief life and marriage with his high school sweetheart Kelly Kapowski. After six years of wedded bliss, in August of 2000, Zack was arrested and later convicted on eight charges of fraud. After secretly running a number of get-rich-quick schemes, Zack succeeded in beginning a pyramid scheme which swindled a number of little old ladies out of their life savings. He is currently serving a 25 year sentence. He is due for parole in 2010.

Kelly Kapowski: During her six year marriage to Zack, Kelly gave birth to five kids. When Zack was arrested, Kelly was left with nothing and has been forced to raise her family alone. Depressed, Kelly has taken up smoking and has put on 75 pounds. She felt that her family needed a change, so they left Los Angeles and moved to Arizona. Kelly is a single mother, working as a waitress at a truck stop outside Flagstaff.

A.C. Slater: Slater became a cliche during his final college years. Due to heavy drinking and partying, he was forced to leave the wrestling team. After six years of college, A.C. graduated with a degree in underwater basket weaving. Sadly, there is very little opportunity for an underwater basket weaver in today's society. The job market was a difficult place for Slater to succeed in. After getting himself into AA, Slater was able to become a successful used car salesman. He traded in his mullet and muscles for a combover and beer gut, but is now the owner of a chain of used car dealerships in the San Fernando Valley.

Jessica Spano: Jessie graduated summa cum laude from Stansbury University. However, the pressures of law school proved too much for her and she fell off the wagon. Unfortunately she fell back into an addiction to caffeine. Despite the fact that she is a highly successful defense attorney in New York City, Jessie has not slept in over three years.

Lisa Turtle: After Lisa's second year at the Fashion Institute, she was able to show her designs for the first time. Critics ripped her clothes apart. Literally. Heartbroken, she returned to the west coast where she married wealthy inventor and software engineer, Samuel Powers. She married him purely for his money.

Samuel "Screech" Powers: Screech graduated from Cal U. after only two and a half years with two degrees, one in astrophysics, and another in pottery. He went on to earn his Ph.D. in physical education, but found that he was ultimately unfulfilled. Working in his own private laboratory, in 1997, Screech invented what would one day be known as the iPhone. He sold his technology to Apple for a tidy sum. Upon hearing of his newfound wealth, Lisa Turtle promptly married him to escape her destitute situation. In 2005, Dr. Samuel Powers disappeared without a trace. According to Mrs. Powers, Screech left on a journey of self-discovery. Circumstantial evidence points to foul play. As the sole beneficiary of Dr. Powers' fortune, Lisa is a prime suspect and is currently under investigation.

Tori Scott: Tori should never have existed in Saved By the Bell lore, and therefore deserves no future to speak of. In all likelihood she vanished into the same obscurity from which she emerged during the senior year at Bayside.

Richard Belding: In 2001, Richard Belding suffered from a heart attack during a fund-raising event for Bayside High School. He volunteered for the dunk tank, as he had so many times before. Sadly, some students from Valley played a prank that went terribly wrong. The water in the tank was just slightly above freezing and proved to be too much of a shock for Richard Belding's aging system. He had retired the previous year, but came back to help out the school he loved for so long. Richard survived after having open-heart surgery, but was left unable to continue his career as a school administrator. He is confined to a wheelchair and an oxygen tank, but lives happily with is wife Becky and their only child.

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