Wednesday, January 27, 2010

American Idol: Barney Kids Grow Up... To Be Dirty Little Girls

And we're in Dallas. Tonight we have two guest judges: Joe Jonas and Neil Patrick Harris. For those of you who are unaware, Dallas is a little town in Texas. Apparently they have a professional football team. Not sure what that's all about.

The first guest judge of the night is Doogie Houser himself. His current role is that of Barney Stinson on How I Met Your Mother. And our first contestant is Julie, someone who tried out in Dallas in the first season. That was a long time ago. 'Cause this is eight years later. I think she's singing "Black Velvet," but you wouldn't know it, 'cause you really can't pick out the tune. The last eight years have not been good to her, or her voice. After four nos, she still keeps trying to win them over. And she's escorted out. It's a little sad that the only person waiting for her is Ryan. No family. No friends. She feels like if she had controlled her breathing better, she could have gotten that golden ticket. I don't think all the oxygen in the world would have helped her out.

Lloyd Thomas is our first heartwarming story of the night. Singing "Overjoyed" he actually does a decent job. As I've said before, any time we get the sob story for these contestants, I automatically wonder if they'll be any good at all. Also, I think the stories give those folks an unfair advantage once they reach the rounds where America votes. But this guy's talented anyway, so he makes it through. After Lloyd, it seems that Neil and Simon are having a hard time getting along. Well, that's the way they've edited it. It looks like they aren't agreeing on many of these contestants. Kimberly Carver comes in and impresses Randy, but not Simon. Neil disagrees with Simon. So does Kara. So Kimberly gets her ticket.

Dexter Ward is pretty sure he's the next America's... Idol... yeah... But then he sings, and I'm pretty sure he's wrong. It's mostly because he can't sing. This is followed by the usual montage of tears and negative answers from the judges. The judges then take a break before Erica Rhodes: Dominatrix comes through. This is quite a leap from her first performing job on Barney & Friends. But now she's in some kind of Catwoman get up, complete with whip. She sings the theme from Barney... and I don't think I'd let her through based on that. When she sings her real audition song, I'm still unimpressed. Mostly I'm annoyed. But my opinion doesn't count. She gets to Hollywood.

The end of day one brings us another inspirational story. Dave Pittman suffers from Tourette Syndrome, but you can't tell it when he sings. He's really good, so he's going to Hollywood. He's one of 15 to get golden tickets in the first day. Now we say good bye to Doogie and say hello Joe Jonas. He's so dreamy! Actually, I kinda think the Jonas Brothers are kind of annoying. But it is what it is.

First up on day two is Todrick Hall who has made up his own song for the judges. I think it was actually pretty good. Randy tells him he's definitely one of the best he's seen in the competition. I've noticed the judges say things like that all the time. "You're the best I've seen today." "You're the best I've seen so far this season." "A million percent yes!" That just doesn't make any sense. How can you have a million percent? But it is what it is.

Now we have a montage of yeses. They do that a lot too. Maegan Wright is our next story of the night. She seems to do a pretty good job with "To Make You Feel My Love." I'm wouldn't be throwing out a standing ovation, but it's decent. She's Kara's favorite of the day, another of those crazy claims. She makes it to Hollywood. And then she's attacked by her family.

Vanessa Johnston is just the kind of girl that you absolutely know will not make it to Hollywood. She's brightly dressed in tight clothes and ridiculous make-up. Her personality is very loud, and so is her voice. She doesn't so much sing "At Last" as screams it. Off key, by the way. She gets a bunch of nos. Not a surprise. But at least she has a good attitude about it. Our final Dallas audition comes from leukemia survivor, Christian Spear. She has a strong voice, especially for a 16 year old. They all send her to LA. And that's the end of Dallas night.

Next week they go to Denver where there is some implied nudity from a contestant. Can you say ratings stunt? I knew you could. Stay tuned for the State of the Union. It's current events guys, doesn't matter which side of that political fence you stand on. It's kind of important to know what's going on in your country. Not that I'm really one to talk.

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