Monday, March 02, 2009


Yesterday was an Applebee's kind of day. After going to church, I hopped in the Big Greene Machine (I was gonna go with Greenemobile, but it doesn't have the same ring) and headed to lunch with them. The meal itself was somewhat uneventful, it was the after dinner show that got a little out of hand.

Gabby, who is quickly closing in on the terrible twos, found the window blinds at the next table to be a fascinating curiosity. As she was pulling on the blinds, she nearly knocked over some of our Applebee's neighbors' condiments. So I quickly, but gently, grabbed her and pulled her away, saying some derivation of the word no at the same time.

Sidebar: Being the youngest of five children, Gabby just isn't used to being told no. Her older siblings tend to spoil her. Okay, everyone tends to spoil her, but she's just so darn cute.

So then she gave me a look of total shock. How could I have possibly said something so cruel to someone so adorable? Not only that, but I pulled her away from her object of desire. And then, out popped that lower lip. Then right on cue, the tears flowed. The toturous screams began. It was as if, when I pulled her away from the window, I had torn off one of her appendages.

Despite the wailing and the water works, I felt no twinge of guilt. I knew that she was just fine. I knew that in her mind, she would eventually be just fine. But she was not alone in this Academy Award worthy performance.

Soon after, Braedon got in on the act. I wasn't really paying attention to what he was doing (I was being deafened by Gabby at the time), but whatever it was, it was enough to get the attention of Mommy. Mommy must not have liked this behavior and repeatedly told him to stop. Braedon, however, had other plans. Thus, Mommy got the attention of Daddy, who in turn dropped the hammer. Okay, really the hammer dropping was just telling Braedon that he would be going directly to his room upon returning home. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.

Obviously that's not something Braedon wanted to hear. Since Gabby was faking a good cry, why shouldn't he? So then he started into it.

So then I wanted to see if I could do it too. I mean, if these two very small children could whip up some gut-wrenching tears at the drop of a hat, then why couldn't I?

I desperately tried to reach deep down into my very soul to find something to squeeze out the tears. I guess my soul's not as deep as I thought it was. I just couldn't find anything to make me cry. Then I tried biting my tongue. That didn't work either.

Maybe it's as I've said for years, my tear ducts, if in fact they do exist, must be all dried out.

Sitting there at the table, Nicole claimed that she has seen me cry. I was apalled. When had such a thing ever taken place, I wonder. Was it during a movie? Were we watching My Girl? I don't remember ever seeing that with the Greenes. She said it happened once when I was talking about Dad. I guess I can go along with that.

I just can't let that get too far out there. So if you're reading this now, you've been sworn to secrecy. We can't have anyone out there to start believing I have actual feelings and emotions.

1 comment:

  1. I can't stop laughing! Totally perfect description of yesterdays events! Life with the Greene's is never boring.