Monday, November 17, 2008

The Source of My Powers

I've been told lately that my posts are slipping. I'm told that they're not as good or as funny as they once were. I'm not being consistent with the quality of the content. I just want the two or three of you that have complained to know that I'm taking this to heart. There's a good chance you're right.

I can't help but wonder what's caused this change in me. I could easily blame school. Even though I'm withdrawing soon, the fact that much of my time is consumed by exams and research papers has not escaped my attention. But I think the problem is much deeper.

A few months ago I made the decision to determine what was going on with my emotions. Or, I should say, my lack thereof. After a great deal of prayer and a small bit of self-discovery I've been able to let go of a lot of bitterness and grief that I had been clinging to for so long. In the process, I believe that some of my cynicism has somehow leaked out of my system.

Could it be that those repressed feelings of anxt and anger were the source of my sarcastic powers? I certainly hope not. I think I've made a lot of progress on the emotional spectrum. And yet, here I am, posting another blog that's just not very funny.

I think I'm also getting a little self-conscious about this thing. For a long time, I was sure that no one ever read this blog. Now I'm aware of about 20 people that I personally know who read the blog on a weekly-ish basis. So this means that I probably can't be as free as I want to be to make fun of anyone.

Generally I pride myself on not caring what other people think. And generally, when it comes to what people think about me, I don't care. But I hate feeling like I've hurt someone's feelings. I know I'm mean at times. I know that I can be harsh with the sarcasm, but I've never meant anything to be malicious in nature.

But because more people in my life are reading these words, I feel as if I need to tiptoe around certain issues that I would otherwise be brutally honest about. Because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. With certain people, I can be totally and brutally honest. These are the people whom I consider to be my best and closest friends. The rest of you are basically acquaintances. I don't like to be brutally honest until someone knows me well enough to know that I'm not saying the things I say to be mean. Despite the rumors, I'm not really evil.

Maybe I need to find a happy medium. Somewhere there must be some sort of middle ground where I can still be cynical and sarcastic and at the same time be honest with what I'm thinking and feeling. I'm going to try and return to not holding back. This means I might someday start hurting feelings. Keep in mind that this is not on purpose. But it'll probably happen. If I had feelings, they'd be hurt by others all the time. There, I feel better already.

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