I said the other day that I would soon be looking at my past. Let me elaborate. The way I plan to do this is by looking at my life, beginning with early childhood and eventually moving into the last few years.
I'm a pretty cynical person. I'm very sarcastic. And at times I can appear to be an emotionless shell of my former self. I've spoken with my Mom, with Nicole, and with several other friends who've known me well, either from spending the last decade with me or the better part of twenty years.
Without going into detail at this time, I can probably point to several events that have seemingly given me this sense of pessimism. When I was a kid, I was anorexic. More recently I've dealt with my parents' divorce and my Dad's death.
Let me make this clear: I'm not looking for pity. I see those things that I just mentioned and think of other minor crises that I've experienced and have really never thought, "why me?" I know there are people out there who deal with much worse. There may be folks reading these very words who are dealing with worse at this very moment.
What I'm looking for is how I've dealt with these issues in my life. How have I handled the stresses of losing a parent? How have I dealt with heartbreak when that one girl didn't want to have anything to do with me? What did that team of psychiatrists do to me when I was a kid to make me so jaded?
And keep in mind, as I'm airing all of this for the world to see, I'm making this very personal as well. While I look at my past, I'll be looking at my present. I'm praying that God will help me to tear down these walls that I've so efficiently built up around me. Initially, I may have put the walls up to keep others out, but really I'm just keeping myself in. I'm know that as my walk with Him becomes closer all the other stuff will fall into place, right where He wants it to be.
So if you're someone who prays, I ask that you remember me when you're having your conversation with God.