Here are some things I've learned since becoming a bank teller.
1. I know everyone in the world, so I never need to ask for ID.
2. "I'll be with you in one moment" really means, "Come right up here into my business and breathe your popcorn breath in my face for a while."
3. Every bank in the world steals money from its customers, especially from the ones that don't keep a transaction register.
4. I'm always kidding when I tell people a check is not any good. I'm a real kidder.
5. I know the balance of every account at the bank.
6. I am at the bank just because I feel like it. My window isn't actually open when I say, "May I help you?"
7. I know everyone's account number.
8. I know everyone's address.
9. I don't understand how banking works.
10. I have to do whatever the person who gave my customer the check said.
11. I don't know how to count.
12. I don't know how to add.
13. I don't know what the date is.
14. I can read everyone's mind.
15. If I ask for your social, Im trying to steal your identity.
16. I know when every new coin will be arriving.
17. I know how much everyones bills are for the month.
18. We don't sell stamps.
19. We are just here for fun on most holidays, we're not really open. We love it when you rub it in.
20. When someone asks how you want your cash back, you're supposed to wait until I have it counted it back to you.
21. Apparently people have different definitions of commercial.
22. Your time is more important than mine. I have no life. When you show up 5 minutes before we close to make 10 deposits or open a new account, we don't mind.
23. Everyone with the Bank name tag is related.
24. I am also your secretary.
25. We love to place holds on your checks for fun. We are the only bank that does it.
26. 13 hours and 10 minutes is not enough time for people to do their business.
27. I am in charge of the never ending lollipops.
28. It is polite to ignore someone when they say hello.
29. It is my fault when someone cuts you in line. I should have been paying attention to you and not your money.
30. I know what a checkingdepositwithdrawal for savings is.
31. Being rude should make me want to help you more.
32. I am not really human. I should never make mistakes.
33. It is okay to walk into someone's office when their door is shut.
34. I have a secret collection of licenses in my drawer.
35. I can't hear. I need you to ding the bell 5 times in a row.
36. The sign that says "Next Window Please" is just for decoration.
37. I make people wait on purpose. It's fun to make them mad.
38. I know everyone's PIN number to their ATM card.
38. Fraud doesn't really happen to anyone. Therefore, I should give everyone exactly what they want.
39. The coin machine is my favorite thing to do.
40. The bank gives out free poinsettias at Christmas. We order them for you, not the bank. "Display Only" means whatever you want it to mean.
41. Please and Thank You are forbidden words at the bank. We hate to hear them.
42. Checking and Savings deposit slips are EXACTLY the same, we just like all the pretty colors and wanted to make them more colorful. Marking through the word savings changes the deposit slip completely!
43. When I tell someone the same thing over and over, I'm just doing it for fun. I like to waste my breath.
44. We will break the rules for anybody as long as you gripe for more than 10 minutes.
45. I am a professional coin counter. Even when the machine is broken, I will count your $5000 bag of coins for you by hand!
46. I am psychic. When you call I can recognize your voice and pull up your information automatically. My computer is voice activated. It's all that fancy technology we have.
47. You don't have to tell me that you've been with the bank for 50 years. I can tell.
48. Even after 15 years, I will still be a new teller to anyone who has never seen me before. If I've never met you, I'm the stupid new teller and I have no idea what I'm doing.
49. I make the rules for the banking industry. You can blame everything on me!
50. I'm an idiot.