Sunday, September 30, 2007

A Bachelor Party - I

Andy's getting married in three weeks. It's an exciting time for him and Chrissy. This weekend they had their bachelor/bachelorette parties. It was good times. The following events take place between 6pm and 4am. Events occurred in real time. Parental guidance is suggested.

I arrived in Charlotte just before 6 in the evening on Saturday. By then, everyone was there but Mark. Around 6:30, Mark calls asking for directions from the exit. Well, he went to far and I was the one to try and talk him back to Andy's apartment. I really had no right to do this, because I know very little about that area. But I knew enough to tell him he drove too far and he needed to turn around. I asked him to describe his surroundings, and then, dumbfounded, he described a very "well-endowed" woman walking three dogs. Actually, the words I believe he used were, "Good gosh, that woman has some big boobs!" At this point, I yell across the room at Andy that Mark just spotted the Big Boob Dog Walker.

Let me back up... A month ago I visited Andy and Chrissy. They told tales of a woman who walked her dogs in the evening. The description was intriguing. A woman with rather large breasts, wearing an inappropriate amount of clothing to cover them. As much as they talked her up, we never caught a glimpse at the time.

Back to live action... Andy gathers everyone together and we pile into a Suburban so we can go on a little excursion. See, he wants us to believe that this mythic creature, "BBDW," really exists. She sure did exist. Andy's brother told her that he loved her. He got a smile out of her. This was the start of an evening that was pretty much legendary.

The actual evening began at the Hickory Tavern, a place which I feel puts Buffalo Wild Wings to shame. Dinner was great. The waitress flirted quite a bit. It's all about the tips, man.

After that we headed uptown. Charlotte on a Saturday night was pretty nuts. Our next stop was a place called The Breakfast Club, an 80's themed club. We weren't staying. The only reason we stopped was because we saw Chrissy and the Bridal Party stopping there. We shared a quick hello and good-bye.

Next we searched for a bar known as The Graduate. What's up with the bars named after movies? Anywho... The Graduate was pretty dead, so we asked about another bar known as Cans. Now, let me take a minute for an editorial remark. I don't go to bars. Applebee's is generally the closest I've been to hanging out in a bar. So I go into this thing with a preconceived notion of what a bar would be like, based, of course, on what I've seen on TV. You know, Cheers, How I Met Your Mother, that sort of thing. Misconception.

We got to Cans and it was really loud. Neat place, but loud, crowded, and kinda stuffy. We made our way through a crowd and went to the roof. Most of the other guys began drinking, I abstained. But the view was nice. And I don't mean the city. As a single man, I did take notice of the large number of attractive women all around us. However, being an introvert, I approached none of them. Seriously, could you picture me trying to pick up a woman in a bar? Yeah, me either.

Eventually we got tired of Cans and made our way to The Attic. Not the same Attic that Zack and Slater snuck into with fake IDs (that's obviously in California, duh). This place was also loud and crowded, but the music was better I thought. And how's this for coincidence... we ran into Chrissy and the Bridal Party again. Really, this time we didn't mean to.

Here's where it gets exciting. At one point in the evening, Mark and I (both completely sober) sat on opposite sides of a couch near where all the guys were hanging out. Suddenly, here comes a very cute girl that sits right between us. I'm thinking that this is pretty awesome. Just as I'm about to say hi, here comes the bonus. Another young lady comes along and proceeds to give the first girl a lap dance. And if you were to see this first-hand, you'd think that this girl was no amateur. She was working it like she was getting paid to do it. I'm fairly certain she was doing it on a dare. I'm gonna just say, I was in the right place at the right time. No, I didn't get a lap dance out of this, but I got enough splash to make that the best seat in the house.

Soon enough, we hit last call. The lights came on. And I quickly learned why bars keep the lights dimmed. People are just not as attractive when all the lights come on. Most of them are drunk and look aged from the smoke, it's not pretty. To cap off the evening (morning) in The Attic, "I've Had the Time of My Life" played over the speakers. Somehow, this became the biggest dance number of the night. Andy and his brother did the lift from the end of Dirty Dancing. I was impressed. And you're probably thinking this is where the good times end. But you'd be wrong. Come back tomorrow for the rest of the story.

1 comment:

  1. I am proud of many parts of this story! I also laughed out lout three times as I read it through. Miss you buddy