Sunday, May 20, 2007

Awake in the Darkness

Tonight is one of those nights. It's midnight and I just can't sleep. I've been trying to fall asleep for the last couple hours, but I just can't. And really, isn't that a contradiction? Trying to fall asleep? I guess that's impossible. If you're gonna fall asleep, you just do it. There is no try (thank you Yoda).

I am obviously not sleeping at this moment. So I'm left to fill the time with the meaningless ramblings of an insomniac.

For awhile I was watching National Treasure on DVD. Good movie. I liked it so much that I saw it twice when it was in the theater. However, I did fall asleep the second time I watched it. Not because I was bored with it. I was just that tired. Maybe I chose to watch that movie hoping I would get those old feelings, but alas, I'm still awake. The movie ended, so I restarted it. Still awake.

Now the TV is off. I set the "sleep" timer on it, hoping against hope that I would be asleep by now. But it's off and I'm not yet asleep.

For awhile I just laid here in bed listening to the sound of the fan on my desk. A nice, soothing, white noise kind of sound. And the thoughts began to flow. And for some reason I began thinking about Dad.

I've done that a lot lately. Last Thursday morning I got to work and was waiting around for the day's assigned duties. I started thinking about him then. Somehow it became so overwhelming that I nearly broke into tears. I didn't though. Manhood intact.

So tonight, as I lay awake in the dark, my mind wandered back to Dad yet again. Really there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him at some point. But sometimes, like now, the thoughts go deeper than just a passing remembrance. The thoughts turn into another realization of just how much I miss him. Another realization of just how much my heart aches.

I want so badly to talk to him about movies I've seen lately. About how frustrating my favorite TV shows are when I'm left with cliffhangers at season's end. About how scared and excited I am to start fresh with seminary in the fall. About how much I appreciated him always being there for me. About how sorry I am for not always showing it.

So now what do I do? Do I try, again, to go to sleep? My brain, flooded with thoughts and feelings and memories? I'm not really expecting an answer to this. I know I'll get sleep eventually. It's inevitable. My body will become so tired that I won't have a choice in the matter. But what do I do 'til then?

1 comment:

  1. Brandon S CaldwellMay 30, 2007 at 12:40 AM

    i havent had too much time to check up on these and read them, but kara was asleep on the couch and i was surfing around a bit and i read this... its really easy to slip into a deeper thought and rememberance for your dad... its really easy to think about the things you did and did not do with and for your dad... and its REALLY easy to to think of the things that you're sorry for since he's passed... dont let that trip you up too much, because he knows you appreciate the things for him. he knows the love that you had, and still have, and will forever have for him. as hard as it may be to think of this thought, this is only temporary. your dad was with you while you were growing up, while you were at college, then living back with him, and he'll forever be with you... until the day comes where you leave here to be with him in heaven... you know that i have felt the same as you do... and 4, moving ever so quickly to 5 years later... i still lay awake...thinking the same things, having the same aches as you... but what a blessing it is to have each other to help and aid with this. i love you brother, and will be here for talk... or to just be here...